the history of the chewing gum man, makart’s portrait of a woman, the paranoid conservative mind

The Most Peculiar History of the Chewing Gum Man

The Most Peculiar History of the Chewing Gum Man

The Most Peculiar History of the Chewing Gum Man, 1894 November, was a children’s book.

WILLIE, an’ Wallie, an’ Huldy Ann,
They went an’ built a big CHEWIN’-GUM MAN:
It was none o’ your teenty little dots,
With pinhole eyes an’ pencil-spots;
But this was a terribul big one—well,
’T was a’most as high as the Palace Hotel!
It took ’em a year to chew the gum!!
And Willie he done it all, ’cept some
That Huldy got her ma to chew,
By the time the head was ready to do.

Well, Willie he chewed it for days ’n’ days;
They brung it to him in gret big drays;
An’ fast as he got it good an’ soft,
Then Wallie he come and carried it oft.
Then he’d roll it into a gret big ball,
An’ he made a-more’n a MILLION in all!
Then Huldy Ann she spanked ’em flat
An’ pinched an’ poked, an’ the like o’ that,
Till she got it inter a gret big hunk—
My! didn’t Huldy have the spunk!
And then she sliced one end half-way
To make the laigs (’cause they never stay
When you stick ’em on in a seprit piece—
Seems like the ends was made o’ grease);
And she slit an arm right up each side,—
I couldn’t a done it if I’d a tried!
O’ course, her brothers they helped her, though,
An’ rolled the arms an’ laigs out, so
They all was smooth with roundin’ bends
An’ chopped the fingers inter the ends!
An’ when their mother had chewn the head,
She went an’ stuck it on, instead!

An’ then, when the man was almost done,
They had an awful lots o’ fun.
A-walkin’ down his stummick was best
To make the buttons onter his vest!
They struck big cartwheels in him for eyes;
His eyes was both tremendous size;
His nose was a barrel—an’ then beneath
They used a ladder, to make his teeth!
An’ when he was layin’ acrost the street
Along come their daddy, as white ’s a sheet,—
He was skeert half outer his wits, I guess,
An’ he didn’t know whatter make o’ the mess,—
But Huldy she up an’ begun to coax
To have him down town, to skeer the folks!
So her dad he grabbed him offen the street,
An’ Willie an’ Wallie they took his feet,
An’ they dragged him clean down to the Cogswell fountain,
An’ stood him up as big as a mountain!
You’d orter seen him a-standin’ there,
A-straddlin’ Market street in the air!

I’m not sure of the moral of the story or if there even was one. Perhaps it had something to do with some things just not belonging. That making, what would become, a parade balloon size man out of chewing gum was a doomed project from the start.

An’ that was the end o’ the CHEWIN’-GUM MAN
For Willie, an’ Wallie, an’ Huldy Ann.
They come along with an ax next day,
An’ chopped him up, and guv him away.

Portrait of a Woman by Hans Makart

Portrait of a Woman by Hans Makart (Austrian,1840 – 1884). Late 19th century. Oil on panel.Not so much in this painting, but in others you can see how Gustave Klimt was influenced by Makart.

Quote of the day from, The Conservative Paranoid Mind

But it isn’t liberals who are jumping the gun here. As usual, conservatives are rushing to judgment, shredding the Constitution, using the bombing as an pretext for derailing immigration reform, and generally seeking any excuse to reimpose their paranoid and authoritarian worldview, which needs fear like a vampire needs blood, on the rest of us.

It is not that the average American has nothing to fear, but you’re more likely to die from a botched medical procedure or being shot by another American in an ordinary act of gun violence than from a terrorist.

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