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this old prison

Is your dating partner happy?

“High self-monitors are social chameleons,” says Northwestern University researcher Michael E. Roloff. “And, because they’re quick to pick up on social cues, are socially adept and unlikely to say things upsetting to others, they are generally well-liked and sought after.

“Research finds them to be excellent negotiators and far more likely to be promoted at work than their low self-monitoring peers.”

But there’s a downside for high self-monitors when it comes to their romantic relationships.

“High self-monitors may appear to be the kind of people we want to have relationships with, but they themselves are less committed to and less happy in their relationships than low self-monitors,” said the Northwestern professor of communication studies.

In “The Dark Side of Self-Monitoring: How High Self-Monitors View Their Romantic Relationships” in the journal Communication Reports, Roloff and co-authors Courtney N. Wright and Adrienne Holloway present their findings from a study of 97 single young adults.

“The desire to alter one’s personality to appropriately fit a given situation or social climate prevents high self-monitors from presenting their true selves during intimate interactions with their romantic partners,” says Roloff. “High self-monitors are very likeable and successful people. However, it appears they’re just not deep.”

Their propensity to self-censor prompts them to avoid face-threatening interactions that more honest self-disclosures potentially provide. The result: the partners of high self-monitors may be completely in the dark about the extent of their high self-monitoring partner’s degree of commitment and regard.

“It’s not that high self-monitors are intentionally deceptive or evil,” Roloff says. “They appear to have an outlook and way of achieving their goals that makes them attractive to us socially but that prevents them from being particularly happy or loyal in their romantic relationships.”

Conversely, the researchers found that low self-monitors — people who are the least concerned with social appropriateness and are unlikely to mask their feelings or opinions to avoid confrontation or preserve their self-image — are more committed to and more satisfied with their relationships.

Low self-monitors communicate in a more genuine, intimate way, but they also may say blunt and hurtful things to their partners. Their ‘disclosive’ communication and loyalty can extract a price from their partners.

Its probably the case that on a curve one has tendencies to be either more a high self-monitor or low self monitor. Advice about relationships and dating, well they’re like sphincter muscles. Actually its worse then that because you only have one set of sphincters and most people have multiple opinions on who should be with who and why and how to work out your problems. One of the more irksome schools of thought about personal relationships is what approaches thought policing. Sure you’re having a reasonably good relationship, but you’re not thinking the litmus tested thoughts approved by the well intentioned, though annoying thought patroler. Despite the title to the article the obstacle is not about second guessing someone else’s needs and wants – its largely about you. If you honestly evaluate yourself and know your tendencies, per the high-low monitoring aspect, that’s something to look out for as a relationship begins. That doesn’t guarantee much in the confounding agonizingly sweet nightmare know as the actual relationship, but maybe you start getting better at picking the right one’s to invest in. Once you do that there are plenty of people near drooling at the prospect of telling you how to conduct that relationship.

henna tribal tattoo

ACLU of Oklahoma Files Federal Lawsuit on Behalf of Student Accused of “Hexing” a Teacher

TULSA, OK–In a case reminiscent of the Salem Witch trials, the American Civil Liberties Union of Oklahoma today filed a federal lawsuit charging that school officials violated 15-year-old Brandi Blackbear’s rights when they accused her of casting a hex that resulted in a teacher’s illness.

“These outlandish accusations have made Brandi Blackbear’s life at school unbearable,” said Joann Bell, Executive Director of the ACLU of Oklahoma. “I for one would like to see the so-called evidence this school has that a 15-year-old girl made a grown man sick by casting a magic spell.”

While the ACLU has defended students’ religious beliefs in Wicca and other minority religions, Bell said the Oklahoma lawsuit is believed to be the first in the country involving actual accusations of witchcraft.

Of course once your spell has so obviously worked and the fickle fingers of the accusers have found their target. It only follows that an illegal search and seizure of the accused writings be made. The school’s Principal, a Speech Therapist/Counselor, the Assistant Principal and another Counselor all believe in witchcraft – which is fine as long as it stops there – some people save sworn they’ve been sent a sign from haven by way of  a jesus picture on toast. Even believing in the power of a spell to cause illness, would possibly pass the let’s all be tolerant test since there hasn’t been a rush to somehow punish the believers in the 2012 Apocalypse phenomenon, but since we’re talking about beliefs – things that have much less verifiable evidence then the existence of the air we breath, maybe these trusted public officials could lighten up a bit.